my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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