smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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