It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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