i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
