At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
