GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
