I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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