i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
