New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
