The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
