Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
