Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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