well I can't set my house on fire every night
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
