You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
