she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
