I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
