Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
