I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
