That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
