I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
