i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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