FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
