He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
