Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
