im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
