either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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