apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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