I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
please come you make the beer taste better
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
