I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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