I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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