Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
