I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
