I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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