note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
