If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
a search helicopter?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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