so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
