is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Welp...herpes.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
