waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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