I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
