Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
