At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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