i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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