Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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