if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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