One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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