Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
