Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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