1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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