Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
