make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
