Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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