i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
